Dr Alan Statham
Alan Statham is a fictional character in the British sitcom Green Wing, played by Mark Heap. History While unpopular with his coworkers, Dr. Alan Statham is one of the most important people in the hospital, being the head of the Radiology department, attending official meetings with the hospital's top-brass. One of the other members of staff that attends these meetings is his love interest, human resources director Joanna Clore. Alan is totally obsessed with her, and will do anything to win her over. Their relationship has had many ups and downs, but they have always come back together in the end. The main problem with the affair is that although they try to keep it as secret as possible, everyone knows about it. Junior doctor Boyce serves as Alan's chief nemesis. He is one of Alan's many pupils studying at the hospital, but Boyce seems to spend most of his time trying out new ways to make fun of Alan; from making gay jokes to using his relationship with Joanna as a weapon, and even buying him for 30p in a charity slave auction. Alan's name badge has also been vandalised on at least two occasions: Some of the letters in the word "Consultant" were crossed out so it read "Cunt". Alan has gone through a lot during his time at the hospital. During one low, when Joanna had fallen for Lyndon, the head of IT at the hospital, he turned to Christianity for comfort, but left it after Lyndon made it clear that he had no interest in Joanna. In the second series, his relationship with Joanna was still not going well, and he was willing to do anything to seek sexual gratification. During a brief period, he was happy at winning a caption competition on the Consultant Radiologists International website, an organisation which Alan claims to be an "Esteemed member". Joanna became sick of his cheerfulness, so she tried to scare him using her dwarf cousin, but Alan was so shocked that he beat him to death with a stuffed heron. He also writes down everything he does, says and is told. He has been suffering panic attacks ever since, but heard from Boyce that they were treating the death as suicide. However, just as he and Joanna start celebrating, the police arrives. Boyce however helps them escape, and they steal a camper van, unaware that Joanna's son, Dr. Martin Dear is with them. Alan ends up driving the camper van (almost) over the edge of the same cliff where Martin was in a similar accident before. However, Martin called the AA on his mobile and were rescued. Alan and Joanna go on the run to hide from the police and have to resort to stealing food, but accidentally kill three more people during their escape: Joanna reverses the camper van into a mechanic, Alan sits on a shopkeepers face and suffocates her, and Joanna rubs peanut butter into the face of an arresting policeman with a nut allergy. Whilst Alan tries to fix the van so it runs on alcohol, the van explodes. Alan and Joanna then decide that as they don't wish to hand themselves in or (as their alternative plan states) move to Spain (because Alan dislikes the Spanish), so they commit suicide by walking naked into the sea, although you don't see them drown. An alternate ending on the DVD release of the Special shows Alan and Joanna clinging to a buoy. 'Personality' Outside life at the hospital, he likes going to restaurants with Joanna, playing table tennis, playing the sopranino recorder and is keen on botany. During the time Mac was in his coma, Alan played table tennis against him. However, when Caroline entered, he claimed a "Small ping pong man" was playing him and he tried to chase after him. He is keen on politics, and once stood as an independent candidate in an election (policies included "Raising the age for a surgical consultancy to 48", "Banning all motorcycles", and "Using Mac's scrotum as a purse", which had turned out to be just a quip from Mac.), but he was not elected. He hates The Simpsons, BBC Radio 1, menstruation, tilting trains, botrytis (a plant disease), the metric system and crazy paving. He also claims to be a member of Mensa, although his IQ is only 139 and acceptance to MENSA requires 140. He can also do several bird impressions, and can sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep" in Latin. Alan also has the habit of correcting other people's grammar. 'Relationships' 'Joanna' For much of the series, Alan and Joanna are in some sort of "secret" relationship, and for an equally long time, everyone in the hospital has known about it. This has not stopped them from continuing their relationship as if it were secret. They often dine out, play games and Alan even has names for certain parts of Joanna's body. He calls her breasts "Mimi" and "Charlotte", and also calls Joanna's vagina "The growler". When Joanna starts to fancy Lyndon, Alan tries various ways to stop him. However, he fails. At one point, Alan thought that Joanna was pregnant with his child. When Joanna both tells him that not only is she not pregnant but is also dumping Alan, he is driven almost mad. He even ends up stealing a milk float and throwing the contents at passing women. Alan converts to Christianity. When Joanna is dumped by Lyndon, however, they soon get back together. Later, they drift apart, and Joanna once again tries to see if she can get Lyndon to go out with her, but fails. Alan tried to get his own back by unleashing a box of flies in her office, but Joanna listened to the tape attached to the box before she actually opened the box, leading her to discover that the box was filled with flies, and so she had the box of flies released into Alan's office. During a period when Alan is unusually happy, Joanna tried to make him upset again by getting her cousin, a dwarf, to paint himself green, hide behind Alan's desk, jump out, and scare him. However, Alan was so scared he beat him to death with a stuffed heron. Although the incident has got them into a heap of trouble, it has also brought them together. Joanna even had sex with him, while she hid in a cupboard and drilled a hole in it. When it looks like they might be discovered, Alan and Joanna go on the run and steal a camper van, unaware that Joanna's son Martin was in it as well. Season 2 ended with Alan, Joanna and Martin in the camper van, the van itself teetering dangerously over a cliff. In the special Alan and Joanna had managed to get off the cliff top in the van, having dumped Martin. The two went on the run from the police together, and managed to kill several other people in the process. In the end, they ran out of petrol, and Alan managed to blow up the van. The two were last seen holding hands, and strolling into the sea together. 'Boyce' Of all the people that agitate Alan, Boyce comes top of the list. All of Boyce's time is devoted to forming new ways to make Alan look stupid. Boyce often refers to his affair with Joanna, which often leads Alan to stammer, becoming confused, and often cancelling the lesson. Boyce often makes homosexual advances towards him, and even managed to project a 30 foot holographic image of Alan having anal sex with another man. Another similar incident occurred when Boyce bought Alan in a charity auction for 30p. He also sends him a helium motorised balloon labelled "HOMO". As the series goes on, Boyce appears to become friendlier with Alan. He tries to help Alan during his attempt to enter politics, he invites him to a party to celebrate his promotion, and he even helps Alan escape from the police. Boyce realises that he misses Alan when the man filling in is meaner than Alan. Alan later rings Boyce from a phone box and sings a verse from Lionel Ritchie's "Hello", which causes both of them to become visibly emotional. This is the last time we see Boyce and Alan. In the scene he tells Boyce that the "Parrot and the Parakeet are flying West by moonlight", seemingly alluding to his upcoming suicide. 'Mac' Alan does not get on well with Mac. Like many of the doctors, Mac often attacks his pomposity and superiority. They often attack each other's hairstyles, Alan mocking Mac's rather feminine haircut, and Mac making remarks about Alan's moustache. Their main argument arose when Alan had bought a new car, and was outraged by the fact that Mac has a parking space right near the entrance that he never uses because he rides a motorbike. Alan tried to do everything possible to get the space but failed. After confronting Mac about it, he makes Mac and Boyce agree to give Alan a much better parking space. The car ends up in Alan's office, a joke made quite remarkable by the fact that no walls seem to be demolished, or the car dismantled. He even went into an operation which Mac was performing. Alan pulled out the patient's gall bladder and ate it, but regurgitated it back up some moments later. Sue Alan often visits Sue, mostly to complain about his badge being vandalised or to report some other form of abuse. Their relationship was not helped when Alan insulted Sue for her view of God that comforted her when her mother died, saying that it was wrong and if she had read the Bible her mother probably wouldn't have died. Sue normally responds by ignoring his request and making him leave. Sue once set fire to her desk to make Alan leave, and accidentally set Alan's arm alight. Alan ended up running through the hospital setting fire to things as he went, and extinguishing his arm by diving into an occupied birthing pool. In one deleted scene, Alan took his revenge on Sue by urinating in her office, claiming that he was, "Doing what you have been doing to me metaphorically all these years". Alan was then met by a shocked Sue, and a group of Japanese delegates. They mistake him as a mental patient, to which Alan then dries his penis on Sue's leg. After looking very shocked for a while, Sue dismisses the delegates. 'Other relationships' Alan is known not to be liked by most of the people in the hospital. He once tried to trick Joanna that he was having sex with Dr. Caroline Todd, unaware that Caroline was in Joanna's office and heard everything over the speakerphone. His rivalry with Lyndon, although unfounded as Lyndon does not like Joanna, has led him to take several courses of action, including a tug-of-war in the staff canteen (which Alan lost, ostensibly for not having the right shoes). During his time as a Christian, Alan was attracted to the hospital chaplain Cordelia Denby, but she showed no interest in him. The women in the human resources department are aware of Alan and Joanna's affair, and often exploit it, most notably Kim Alabaster and Naughty Rachel. It is also known that Angela and Guy have their own problems with him. 'Other' The character of Dr. Alan Statham was on a list of nominations for Channel 4's 50 Greatest Comedy Characters, but failed to make the top fifty. In a poll on the British Sitcom Guide, Alan came sixth in a poll of the ten best sitcom villains. Category:Characters